Giving feedback to a defensive employee

Read time: 4 minutes. 

Your employee keeps making careless mistakes. 

You finally decide to give them constructive feedback. 

It doesn't go well. They get defensive. 

Now both of you are frustrated.

What do you do?

Blaming yourself or them won't help. You can't control how someone reacts. You can only control your actions going forward. 

Next time you're giving feedback. I want you to practice 5 specific steps. If you can do that, your feedback will land as intended. 

1. Fight the problem, not the person.

Your employee isn't the problem. Their behavior is the problem. This is something you need to remind your employee when you give feedback. 

Here's how.

If your employee is making careless mistakes. Don't say, “You're sloppy" or "You're always making mistakes." (even if it seems true to you). Get specific by saying, "Three of the numbers in the spreadsheet aren't accurate."

Here’s why this is better.

When you say, “You’re wrong,” you come across as judgmental. It's not helpful to you or your employee. Especially someone who gets defensive. On the other hand. “Three of the numbers in the spreadsheet aren't accurate” is an observation. This is something both of you can work through.

When giving feedback, your job is to offer your observation, not judgment. Observations are something we can see and hear. Judgments are interpretations. 

When I teach leaders to give constructive feedback, we practice reducing our habit of judging and replacing it with offering observations. If you can get this part right, your feedback will start to land as intended. I hope you try it.

2. Align on the same problem.

Leaders make a big mistake when offering feedback — They assume that just because they said it means the employee heard it.  That's hardly the case. 

When we're in the middle of a tense conversation, we often talk past each other like two ships in the night.

As a leader, your job is to make sure both of you agree and align on the problem you're trying to solve.  Here's how: 

After you share your observation, pause and check in with your employee by asking: 

• "This is what I see. What do you see?"
• "This is my observation. What's yours?"

Give them space to share their perspective. Hear them out. The goal of this exercise is for both of you to see the same problem. If you can see the same problem, then (and only then) can both of you work on fixing it. 

3. Be clear. Be kind.

Ambiguity can be a source of stress and anxiety for your team. As a leader, your job is to reduce it every chance you get. One way to do that is to become prescriptive.

I get this question from managers all the time "When should I become prescriptive?"

If you've given the same feedback multiple times and it still hasn't helped your employee improve, it's time to go into "tell-mode." Here's how: 

• "I'm requesting you to start doing this."
• "I'm asking you to consider X."
• "I need you to try X."

 Your people want you to be clear with them. Walking on eggshells won't get you there. Rember, being clear is being kind. Especially with an employee who tends to get defensive. 

4. Let your words breathe.

Receiving difficult feedback is painful. There are two ways to soften the blow.

1. Begin with an intention.
2. Empathize with their situation.

Begin with an intention

This is one of the biggest (if not the biggest) mistakes managers make. They don't ease into their message. They dive straight in.

• “You’re missing deadlines.”
• “You’re doing it wrong.”
• “You're late again.”

A better way to begin your message is by stating your intention. Starting your message by stating your intention makes it easy for the other person to digest your feedback. It tells your employee that you're on their side, and your intention is to help, not hurt them.

Here are some examples of intentions to share:

• “I’m sharing this feedback because I want the best for you.”
• “I’m noticing a blindspot. I’m sharing my feedback to help you see it for yourself.”
• “I’m sharing this feedback because I want you to know what I’m seeing/hearing.”
• “I’m sharing these comments because I have very high expectations of you, and I know you can reach them.”

Sharing your intention signals to your direct report that you're on their side. You're sharing this feedback because you want them to succeed. Before giving feedback, prepare your intention. It'll help you land your feedback better.

Empathize with the situation

Give your person time and space to digest your feedback. Here's one way to do that:

• "I know hearing this feedback was difficult. I want you to think about it, and let's connect when you're ready to talk."

Give your people grace. Don't expect them to shift in an instant. Let them run their race the way they know how.

5. Always follow up.

Make sure to check on your people after you've had a difficult conversation. Even the most defensive of employees will appreciate the gesture. 

The goal of the check-in is to make sure your employee is doing OK and for you to improve your feedback delivery next time. After a couple of days, schedule a meeting with them to ask: 

1. "How are you feeling after our last conversation? Is there anything you'd like to share?"
2. "Is there anything I can clarify for you?"
3. "What's one thing I could've done differently to share my feedback?"

The goal of the check-in is to remind your people that you care and you're on their side. 

You and your employee aren't fighting against each other. Both of you are fighting with each other against the problem. If you want to become a great leader,  learn to be tough on the problem and tender on the person.

Keep leading.