Read time: 4 minutes. 

You’re in a meeting with your manager when you suddenly hear: 

“I have some feedback for you.”

What’s the first thing that goes through your mind?

Do you start freaking out? Or do you ignore it?

There are plenty of books and courses on how to give constructive feedback, but not enough on receiving constructive feedback.

If you want to get better at receiving feedback, I wholeheartedly recommend "Thanks for feedback." I've read it multiple times, and today I'm sharing some incredible research from this book.

According to two Harvard Law School lecturers, when we get difficult feedback, our brains can trigger up to 3 different types of reactions: truth, relationship, and identity.

1. Truth Triggers:

Truth triggers are set off by the substance of the feedback itself. If you receive feedback you believe lacks truth or accuracy, you may be experiencing a truth trigger.

When we register a truth trigger, we tend to ignore the feedback because it challenges our version of truth (not what might be the truth)

Imagine getting this slack from your boss:

• Boss: "I need you to be more strategic on our exec calls."
• You: "I disagree. I think you're wrong"

You can say this, but I doubt this helps either of you figure out what's going on. I bet it makes it worse.

Experiment: Optimize for curiosity over judgment.

• Boss: "I need you to be more strategic on our exec calls."
• You: "Thx for sharing. Can you give me examples of when you thought I wasn’t strategic?”

 OR

• Boss: "I need you to be more strategic on our exec calls."
• You: "Thanks for the feedback. What specifically do you suggest I do differently?”

Your goal is to get your boss (or whomever) to clarify their feedback. The only way they can do that is if you get curious and ask questions. The following three questions will help you look past the feedback fog to give you more clarity.

✔️ "Help me understand your feedback better."

✔️ "I'm curious. Please say more."

✔️ "Tell me more."

Don't assume you know what your boss is thinking. Chances are you don't. The only way to get inside your boss's brain is by asking them to share more. The more specific your question, the better.

2. Relationship Triggers:

When you get feedback from someone you don't trust or find credible, you might be registering a relationship trigger. 

Relationship triggers are tripped by the person who is giving the feedback. With this trigger, the relationship between the giver and receiver is causing challenges rather than what is being said. 

When we register a relationship trigger, our focus shifts from the feedback itself to the audacity of the person delivering it. Here's an example:

Experiment: Separate the “what” from the “who”

One way to overcome the relationship trigger is to separate the content of the feedback (being on time) from the real issue (the giver is also late) by trying this:

BOSS: "You missed your deadline."

YOU: "Thanks for raising this. You're right. I was unable to make the deadline. That's on me. I'd also like to take this opportunity to talk about some of my expectations regarding our deadlines. Is now a good time to talk?"

[Disclaimer: Conversations like this are hard, that's why most people don't engage in them. Sadly, if we don't engage, the problem continues to persist. Chances are it gets worse]

Next time you get hit by a relationship trigger, I want you to ask yourself: “What’s the dynamic between us, and how are we each contributing to this problem?"

3. Identity Triggers:

The Identity trigger is neither about the giver nor the feedback. It's about our identity. When our identity gets triggered, we don’t think about our strengths and weaknesses, all we think about is our survival. Our brain gets flooded with thoughts like these: 

• "I'm dumb."
• “I always mess up.”
• “I’m just not good at this"
• "I'm not cut out for this job."
• “Why can't I never figure it out?

Experiment: Remind yourself that you get to change. 

Some (most?) of us tie our self-worth to our position. When our position is under attack, it drags down our self-worth in the process. With practice, you can get in front of it. Here's one way: 

Regain balance by seeing feedback for what it is — Information about the behavior, not about the person behind the behavior. Also, what’s helpful is to rightsize your feedback by reminding yourself: "This feedback hurts. But I also know I can get help and improve" vs. "No matter how much I try, I’ll never be able to improve. 

When it comes to identity triggers, we become our worst enemies instead of becoming our best friends. I'll finish with my favorite line, "Your compassion is incomplete if it doesn't include yourself."

Keep leading.

Ali