How to say no to (almost) anyone

I became a vice president in 2013.

I don't think I was ready. I didn't feel ready. 

I was drowning at work. I was overwhelmed. 

One day, my boss pulls me aside and says something I've never forgotten:

“Ali, The higher up you go, the more tradeoffs you need to make with your time.”

I was confused. What was he asking me?

This was his way of asking me to say no to the small things so I could say yes to the big things. 

Today's email is your call to action to do just that. 

Most of us have a hard time saying no. We struggle with setting boundaries. Even if we want to say it, we worry something bad will happen. 

• We'll get in trouble for saying no. (Especially if the other person has more power)
• We'll damage our relationship with the other person. 

Here's the reality. Saying no is uncomfortable. However, it's also a life skill that you need to develop if you want to lead. 

Today's email has one goal. I want you to find the confidence to start saying no to things you want to say no to. To help you do that. I’m sharing two resources:

1. Two deceptively simple frameworks to help you say no.

2. One Gdoc with word-for-word scripts for inspiration.

[SCENARIO 1] Saying no to a last-minute request from your manager.

I don’t know anyone who enjoys saying no to their boss. It's only natural to be a little hesitant. I used to struggle with this myself. However, I've gotten better over the years. You can too. 

Here's a scenario. Imagine your team's hard at work on a tight deadline. You're super stressed. Suddenly you get a ping on Slack asking you for a random update on a completely different project. How do you respond?

Try the A.P.R framework.

1.  Acknowledge their request. 
   • Listen to their request. 
2.  State your position (very) clearly.
   • If you're busy, tell them. State the reason.  
3. Offer to Renegotiate.  
   • Instead of saying yes. Make a counteroffer. 

[SCRIPT] “Hi, boss. Acknowledging your request. We're currently working on X deadline for the client. I'm unable to get you the update today.  How about tomorrow morning? Please advise."

[SCENARIO 2] Saying no to a last-minute meeting invite from your manager.

Here's a common scenario. Imagine you’re super busy; you had to skip lunch because of back-to-back meetings. You finally get a break during the day, and your boss schedules a last-minute meeting on your calendar. Now what?

Try the A.P.I framework.

1.  Acknowledge their request. 
   • Reach out and let them know you've seen their invite. 
2.  State your position.
   • If you're busy, tell them you’re busy. Say it kindly. Say it firmly
3.  Ask for their input. (THIS IS KEY) 
   • Your boss has power and status over you. Involve them in your decision. 

[SCRIPT] “Thanks for the invite. I'm afraid I can't join today—I’ve been in back-to-backs the entire day and am just coming up for air. Possible to reschedule for tomorrow? Let me know what you think.”

[SCENARIO 3] Saying no to an annoying coworker.

Most of us are good, kind people who like to help others. However, there's usually one coworker who takes advantage of our kindness. This coworker shows up when we're busy. All they need is "2 minutes of our time". Those 2 minutes always turn into 20. How do we deal with this person?

• COWORKER: “Do you have 2 minutes to chat?” 
• YOU: "Unfortunately, I don’t right now. I’m in the middle of something. Possible to chat at X time?" 
• Did you notice the API? Instead of an automatic yes. We were honest. We acknowledged them. We stated our position and asked for their input.

"But Ali, what if I come across as a jerk?"

You might think you’re being rude. You’re not.  

I was doing research for this article and came across an interesting finding. Research from Columbia University found that our perceptions of our own assertiveness are often unreliable. In mock negotiations, people who thought they were adequately assertive or even over-assertive were seen by others as under-assertive. So if you feel confrontational, there’s a good chance the other party doesn’t see you that way.

The API and APR frameworks are versatile and will work in almost all situations. Just remember the three keys of saying a good no.

🔑 Never ghost the requester. 

🔑 State your position clearly and firmly. This is the hardest part. 

🔑 If the person has more power. Get their input or make a counteroffer.

Every single no to someone else is a yes to yourself and your goals. Remind yourself of that when you're struggling to say it.

Keep leading.

Ali